he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
