Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
