DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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