guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize