Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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