Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
