I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize