Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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