Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
