thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
