My underwear smells like fireworks.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
