if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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