i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
