I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
