I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
