listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
