Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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