so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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