The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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