I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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