Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
