if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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