So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
