just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize