Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
