everyone is single if you try hard enough
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
