and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
