God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
