none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
