My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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