I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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