Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
