Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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