He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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