I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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