Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
