my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
