im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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