Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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