This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
