just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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