found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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