so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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