I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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