filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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