Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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