I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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