just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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