her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
