He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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