even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
