the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How external is "for external use only"?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
