I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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