Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
