I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
