just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Houston, we have a blender
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize