you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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