peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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