Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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