The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
