i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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